To Be, Or Not To Be.....Thankful

Thanksgiving is this week. I love any holiday! But, I especially love the ones that involve whole families getting together. Problem is, I don't have anything I've ever dreamt about. Certainly not the family I'd thought I'd have, etc.... While I'm thankful, I guess I'm REALLY not very thankful. I confess. So while I'M doing all the work decorating, cleaning, cooking, and hosting...I've always just sulked inside about how it sucks to not be happy. Well, I got a little....(by little I mean gigantic slap in the face).....nudge this morning to start making my heart right with God. So, I'll just share the convo....


Here's what God said to me this morning from Psalms 105:3 and 5

hey real you, I know things get tough and you don't have all that you think you want, but I want you to start rejoicing in My Name. Remember, I HAVE performed miracles for you before and I continue to bless you with a miracle every time Awesome smiles.


I responded.....


Lord Jesus, i'm so sorry for forgetting to just rejoice in Your powerful Name. Show me ways i can do that alone and in front of others. i know i ask for so much concerning Awesome and most of the time i forget that it was You who kept him alive when the doctor told me he was dead. It was You who restored his joy and personality when the doctors gave me no hope of an intelligent son. It's You that puts a smile on his face at the right times every day! Lord Jesus please forgive me of my forgetfulness! You have given me a miracle and I keep forgetting that Awesome is just that! Lord Jesus, thank You isn't good enough to tell You how grateful i am that You have done such a miracle for me. Please forgive me of my self pity and unhappiness for what i think i don't have when clearly You have given me more than every thing. You have made me thankful today! Thank You! i will tell everyone today! <3- the real me.


Now, I wasn't successful in telling everyone today about Him making me thankful this morning. And shame on me for not doing it. But, there's always tomorrow...and I did just tell you....I pray you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

OOH Baby, Baby

Well, hello there. It's been a while, huh? Well, I've been out being of this world instead of just being in it. The good news is, I can confess and He picks me up right where I left off...

Since we're keeping it real over here, I think I'm going to share with you one of my struggles. Those of you who know me well, after reading the title I'm sure you know what I'm gonna confess.
I WANT A BABY!!!
And guess what, I'm no where near having one! :-( It seems that since it is my heart's deepest desire...EVERYONE ELSE GETS ONE! I was the only one who had baby fever until I asked for prayer and then, well, all the people I talked to about it went out and got pregnant! It's been really difficult for me to be happy for all of them...all 9 of them.... Really, what's the odds of 9 people that you know having babies all around the same time? Well, if it's what I hurt for, you can bet it'll happen!!
Now, I know the world doesn't revolve around me. I think I'm sure that most of them didn't plan to hurt me in that way.
*Disclaimer- Those friends of mine who have or are with child please don't be offended I do love you and your babies!!*
I'm just confessing my ugly heart.
So I gave up on having a baby and moved on to adoption....but. I have to be a foster parent for as long as it takes for a baby to become available. Crazy thing is, it's taking so long. We should have been licensed by now and have a baby in my nursery! But, it's still empty. There doesn't seem to be an end in sight....STILL....it's been 5 years...please I've had enough!
So then I go to God's Word, and this is what He tells me in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10:

When you are weak, I am strong. Maybe My plan is for you to struggle so I can get the ultimate glory. Hey, real you, SUBMIT.
Then I said:
i don't want to suffer or struggle!! It's so hard to keep faith in Your Plan. i feel alone,alienated, kicked around, out of control, depressed, hopeless, fearful, unloved, abused, and just plain forgotten. BUT! You say in Your Word that i am none of those. Please Lord Jesus help me to remember all of that. Renew my heart and mind in You. <3-me


Here's what He said in Habakkuk 3:17 and 18:
Hey real you, though your fig tree has no buds, there aren't any grapes on your vines, no olives on your tree, no crops in your field, no sheep, no cattle.....there is no baby right now and not one in sight, you can still rejoice in Me. Be joyful, I am your savior.
Then I said:
it's hard to rejoice in pain, it's almost impossible to be happy and joyful for other new moms around me. Lord Jesus i need You to change my heart. i submit to Your Will, if You don't want me to be a new mommy again then i won't, but please restore my joy for You and for others blessings because i have no joy left. Please make my heart light again, i want to rejoice again. <3-me


Well, there still isn't a baby in my nursery and I can't see one coming anytime soon. But, since that night it was easier to be happy for my friends. It still hurts to me that I'm the one who wants it so bad and they just "OMGOSH, *poof* We're pregnant". But, I'm reminded that God's plan for me is better than my own. So I'm waiting and rejoicing.