Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

I haven't been blogging at all lately. I guess that tells you the truth about how much time I've been spending with God in His Word. It's been a rough few months with aggravation running rampant. I'm hoping to get back to my sweet spot soon! I hope all of you had a wonderful Christmas and remembered to celebrate the birth of our Savior. I pray that all of you have a fun New Year's celebration and that the year to come will be blessed! Any resolutions to not follow through with this coming year? I have a few, loose weight, get pregnant, and be the best foster mom I can. The one I must not break is spending more time with God in His Word. If you see me around town, please help keep me accountable. Ask me if I've gotten my daily dose of God's Word.

This is the real me asking for help, I'm no good and selfish, I need someone to keep me accountable.

Good to know Jesus still loves me, even though I've been ignoring Him. Sorry, Lord.

To Be, Or Not To Be.....Thankful

Thanksgiving is this week. I love any holiday! But, I especially love the ones that involve whole families getting together. Problem is, I don't have anything I've ever dreamt about. Certainly not the family I'd thought I'd have, etc.... While I'm thankful, I guess I'm REALLY not very thankful. I confess. So while I'M doing all the work decorating, cleaning, cooking, and hosting...I've always just sulked inside about how it sucks to not be happy. Well, I got a little....(by little I mean gigantic slap in the face).....nudge this morning to start making my heart right with God. So, I'll just share the convo....


Here's what God said to me this morning from Psalms 105:3 and 5

hey real you, I know things get tough and you don't have all that you think you want, but I want you to start rejoicing in My Name. Remember, I HAVE performed miracles for you before and I continue to bless you with a miracle every time Awesome smiles.


I responded.....


Lord Jesus, i'm so sorry for forgetting to just rejoice in Your powerful Name. Show me ways i can do that alone and in front of others. i know i ask for so much concerning Awesome and most of the time i forget that it was You who kept him alive when the doctor told me he was dead. It was You who restored his joy and personality when the doctors gave me no hope of an intelligent son. It's You that puts a smile on his face at the right times every day! Lord Jesus please forgive me of my forgetfulness! You have given me a miracle and I keep forgetting that Awesome is just that! Lord Jesus, thank You isn't good enough to tell You how grateful i am that You have done such a miracle for me. Please forgive me of my self pity and unhappiness for what i think i don't have when clearly You have given me more than every thing. You have made me thankful today! Thank You! i will tell everyone today! <3- the real me.


Now, I wasn't successful in telling everyone today about Him making me thankful this morning. And shame on me for not doing it. But, there's always tomorrow...and I did just tell you....I pray you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

OOH Baby, Baby

Well, hello there. It's been a while, huh? Well, I've been out being of this world instead of just being in it. The good news is, I can confess and He picks me up right where I left off...

Since we're keeping it real over here, I think I'm going to share with you one of my struggles. Those of you who know me well, after reading the title I'm sure you know what I'm gonna confess.
I WANT A BABY!!!
And guess what, I'm no where near having one! :-( It seems that since it is my heart's deepest desire...EVERYONE ELSE GETS ONE! I was the only one who had baby fever until I asked for prayer and then, well, all the people I talked to about it went out and got pregnant! It's been really difficult for me to be happy for all of them...all 9 of them.... Really, what's the odds of 9 people that you know having babies all around the same time? Well, if it's what I hurt for, you can bet it'll happen!!
Now, I know the world doesn't revolve around me. I think I'm sure that most of them didn't plan to hurt me in that way.
*Disclaimer- Those friends of mine who have or are with child please don't be offended I do love you and your babies!!*
I'm just confessing my ugly heart.
So I gave up on having a baby and moved on to adoption....but. I have to be a foster parent for as long as it takes for a baby to become available. Crazy thing is, it's taking so long. We should have been licensed by now and have a baby in my nursery! But, it's still empty. There doesn't seem to be an end in sight....STILL....it's been 5 years...please I've had enough!
So then I go to God's Word, and this is what He tells me in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10:

When you are weak, I am strong. Maybe My plan is for you to struggle so I can get the ultimate glory. Hey, real you, SUBMIT.
Then I said:
i don't want to suffer or struggle!! It's so hard to keep faith in Your Plan. i feel alone,alienated, kicked around, out of control, depressed, hopeless, fearful, unloved, abused, and just plain forgotten. BUT! You say in Your Word that i am none of those. Please Lord Jesus help me to remember all of that. Renew my heart and mind in You. <3-me


Here's what He said in Habakkuk 3:17 and 18:
Hey real you, though your fig tree has no buds, there aren't any grapes on your vines, no olives on your tree, no crops in your field, no sheep, no cattle.....there is no baby right now and not one in sight, you can still rejoice in Me. Be joyful, I am your savior.
Then I said:
it's hard to rejoice in pain, it's almost impossible to be happy and joyful for other new moms around me. Lord Jesus i need You to change my heart. i submit to Your Will, if You don't want me to be a new mommy again then i won't, but please restore my joy for You and for others blessings because i have no joy left. Please make my heart light again, i want to rejoice again. <3-me


Well, there still isn't a baby in my nursery and I can't see one coming anytime soon. But, since that night it was easier to be happy for my friends. It still hurts to me that I'm the one who wants it so bad and they just "OMGOSH, *poof* We're pregnant". But, I'm reminded that God's plan for me is better than my own. So I'm waiting and rejoicing.

Help, I've Been Robbed!!!

I've been vacationing. Not just from home, but from really digging in God's Word. Man, I really do feel like crap on the inside and the out! So, there's this stuff....I live with every day.....I feel I'm being wronged all the time. Man, I must have done something really bad to have to suffer like this. It always seems like such a good excuse to live something different in my mind. It's all just make believe anyways, right? Nope. While I don't have anything mind blowing to share God's been talking to me through this sleepy little get away town that I'm in. The pastor at the First Baptist Church of Tinytown shared Sunday evening that we are supposed to be quick with mercy and forgiveness. That, is something I am NOT! And because I'm not, I'm the wrong doer! What??!! That can't be right, me being the one doing wrong??!! Yeah, I know that's what you were thinking, (me too..shhhh) Now, because of this....I am actually the robber..I'm robbing myself of my joy and sanity! As much as that offends me it's the awful truth. God's Word kinda drove it home tonight. Here's what it is......
I Thessalonians 4
mya, I've been instructing you how to live in My Word. you're living still BTW. (I felt really terrible the other night because of how I eat and I thought maybe I wouldn't make it through the night, so I cried out to God to save me from my eating stupidity.) It's My Will that you will be sanctified, being made holy through trials. Control your mind in a way that is holy and honorable! Make it your ambition to mind your own business and not have an idle mind or hands. Do everything to My glory.

So all I can do is respond....
Precious Lord Jesus, thank You for allowing me to live! Help me to control my mind so it will be holy and honorable to You! Help me to find something to do everyday to bring glory to You. Grant me Your mercy and forgiveness to share with others who I think have wronged me.

So, I'm tired of being the robber and I want my joy and sanity back! I gotta mind my own business...my own heart business...and leave the other hearts to their Creator!
Whatever you do, do it with all your heart and for the Glory of your Lord Jesus Christ, not yourself or man. Colossians 3:23 (mpw)

What the Funk?!

So I must confess, I'm in a funk. Not happy with somethings, just barely getting by with others. I am excited to be going on a vacation to my Grandparent's/Mom's place for 2 weeks! Maybe jaunt in the woods will help me feel better. I do know going hunting will allow me to let off some ggrrrrss. It's been a while since I shot something. That's a good thing though when I'm at home....lol. So I'm watching Intervention. It's about this guy who is a heroin addict. His parents so desperately want him to be well and gain a life of recovery with Christ. The guy feels empty, judged, angry, and in pain. Well, he and I share 2 things, feeling empty and pain. As much as he is addicted to heroin, I'm addicted to myself. What a scary thing to loose control. I believe that God creates each of us with our gifts that are different from anyone else. I was created with a gift of creativity Whether good or bad, I can dream up some stuff! Sometimes it actually gets put on paper or my guitar or the wall at my house. With that I can create this bubble of "unreality" in my mind and heart. It's a hard thing to step out of too. So, here I am trying to step out and change what only I can change, ME. Today I started a new diet and no matter what the others eat in my house I will refuse to bend that way. My health and my son's care depends on it! So while I will try to change my body, I'm going to let Jesus change my heart again and make it healthy. Less dreaming and more of planting myself in the reality of His Word. My true love story isn't in this world or with any person, but it needs to be of His Word. He has a plan for me and I want in on it!


Hey you, the real you, I know you and love you so much I made a plan just for you. It's not to hurt you or make you live a life pain, but it's to shape you and make you holy. I love you. -Jeremiah 29:11 (mpw)

I'm A Crack Pot...

I must confess, I did not do my Bible study this morning. I woke up late and I wanted to stay asleep and I just felt like I didn't need it. SHAAAAME, SHAAAAAME! Yep I know. Everything went just fine today, though I was constantly reminded about skipping out on reading God's Word. So this evening I finally said, ok I'll do it! So for what it's worth I'm gonna share it with you tonight.


I just turned my lamp on and it made the Hubbs huff and puff, so this is gonna be good...lol!


I read Matthew 24:1-4 and here's what it said.... mya, you worry about things here on earth too much. Focus on Me and My Kingdom cause I'm coming back. Watch out that you read My Word for yourself! Many people are on this earth who claim My fame. It's all lies. you don't need someone else to give you My Word, hear it straight from Me! There are wars against everything right now. Rumors of Iran and such places, but don't be afraid, I've already told you about them. There are famines and droughts and earthquakes in D.C. and Japan and so on. These things have to happen before I come back for you. It's the birthing pains.

So, to have a real relationship with someone you have to talk with them right? It's not cool to have a friend who won't let you join in the conversation! Jesus wants a real relationship with me so I get the chance to talk back cause He WANTS to hear my heart.
Here's what I said back:
Thank You Lord Jesus for reminding me all day and making me read this right now, today! Of all days today is Awesome's birthday! Those birthing pains 12 years ago weren't no joke! But, in the end i was left holding this perfect and precious little boy You've allowed me to borrow for 12 years and counting. i can remember the medicine in the middle that took the edge off, Jesus, that's Your Word! Your promised return is the beautiful and precious outcome that is so worth the pain. Thank You for Your promise and thank You for Awesome! Make my heart worthy, through You, of growing and nurturing this truth in the mission field You are sending me to. <3, me


So now you know how I spend my time with Jesus and His Word. I feel a bit vulnerable now cause I'm a bit worried you might think I'm crazy. But, you know what I don't care! I'm a crack pot who's getting patched to become a prepared vessel! ;-)

So, what have you been worrying about lately that is of this world? It's only temporary, so what are you going to do with your borrowed....children, family, and friends?

Jesus Loves Me and My Tattoos

Have ya heard that one before? I am thankful for that, 'cause I love tattoos. I have 'em and I'm getting more of 'em. What do you have that you think would turn Jesus away from loving you?............. *insert loud buzzer here*....... Wrong, there's nothing that can stop His love for you or me. Sure, you could choose to ignore it, tell yourself you're not good enough, or hate to drown it out, but it's still there. You can't stop it. I know, I tried to run away from it in the past. I just knew He couldn't love someone like me, no one else really did. Good to know I'm not right. Do me a favor, don't tell the Hubbs though, ok?

Now that the ice is melted tonight, let's get jiggy with this Jesus speak:

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16 (NIV)

I know what you're prolly saying, "Oh Snap! You just went there?!" Well yeah, before you can "get it" you have to get it. By "it" I mean God's gift of eternal life. It's as easy as A B C. Admit you're a sinner, Believe that Jesus is God's Son that came to earth to sacrifice His life for yours and my sins, and Confess Him as Lord. But, there's a catch! You can't just do it half-way. You have to SEEK Him.

Real you, I love you, really. I love you so much that I sent My Son to earth to take the punishment for your sins. Just believe that and Let Me be your Lord. Let Me change your heart. I will heal your scars and cover them with love. You will be Mine forever. John 3:16 (mpw)

That's what He is saying to me. I only wish I would have heard Him sooner.

Already did that? this is a refresher for ya! He still loves you and you're still His forever.

Well, me and my tattoos are gonna get some sleep. I stay up way too late at night. HHHmmmm, maybe God created me that way for a reason. I gotta find a way I can glorify Him when I can't sleep! Tonight though sleep has come. I'm gonna end this before I start talking sleep talk. The Hubbs is doing that right this minute (Jessica Rabbit knows what I mean!) Till next time.....tell me a little about your scars and how Jesus' love covered them.